America is consumed with “Am I getting enough sex in my marriage”? Do any other couples have this problem where one partner has high desire, and the other one has little to none? There must be something really wrong with us! Everyone wants sex 24/7 don’t they? The answer to these most commonly asked questions are no. Not really. More than forty million in the U.S. feel stuck in low-sex or no sex marriages. Research studies tell us that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men reported little to no sexual desire. Sometime in a marriage more than 50% of couples experience one or both partners with little to no sexual desire.

Desire problems are the most frequent complaint of couples entering sex therapy. They are also often the unspoken complaint of couples entering relationship therapy. It is important to first rule out any physical or biological medical problems. With this in mind, it is recommended to make an appointment with your general medical doctor, or get a referral from your sexologist (Board certified Clinical Sexologist). Your therapist will recommend that the medical doctor run a hormonal profile along with a physical exam to rule out any other problems, such as medical disease or medications that could be affecting your libido or sexual desire.

In our 21st century culture, relationship issues including, sexual anxieties, inhibitions, and problems are commonplace. We’re afraid of not doing it “right”, as shown in Hollywood and the literary marketplace. “Right” would be intercourse, with both parties craving each other all the time and having simultaneous orgasms every time they’re intimate. In other words, “being all over each other 24 hours a day. Wrong! Healthy sexuality means giving and receiving touching that is pleasurable. Sexuality and intimacy may include many different modes of showing love and affection for one another. There is not necessarily a “right way” of lovemaking. The optimal experience would be that of being together, with no “editing” of the respective partner. In other words, take your time, experiment, kiss, touch, and take time to build up the level of excitement with one another. If there is always an ultimate goal of an absolute outcome, then disappointment will probably not be in the cards.

Great sex and love- making is not goal oriented, but process oriented. (The journey, not the destination.) It allows both partners to enjoy pleasure. It varies. Sometimes one or both has an orgasm. Sometimes not. And that’s ok. What’s not ok is not caring about yours or your partner’s needs. There are many possible reasons for a discrepancy in desire between partners. The first is biological. As I mentioned in the statistics above, more than twice as many women than men have problems with sexual desire. This is because after the infatuation phase of the relationship, when hormones are running rampant, things settle down to natural biological rhythms. And biologically speaking, whoever has the most testosterone usually has the most desire. Hmmm. I wonder which gender that is!

Other reasons relevant to both genders are performance anxiety, emotional pain in the relationship, coerced intimacy, sex used as a bartering tool, lack of time, lack of energy, and fear of intimacy to name a few. These can be helped with an understanding therapist. What you can do: see a relationship expert or sex therapist that can help you experience the pleasure and joy of being intimate with one’s mate. There is no need to settle for less than this.

Tags: Romance Tips

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